A man’s worst fear is being trapped in the “friend zone.” What does this mean? When a young man pursues a young lady he finds extremely attractive and would like to take her on a date, it becomes his worst fear that this young lady does not see him as the man, but a friend. We all know the story so well, for many of our fellow patriots have fallen in the pit hole of a young lady’s friend zone. It’s fully emasculating to us men.
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But this problem of “how do I stay out of the friend zone” is approached with some of the most awkward behaviors, that a men will swear by their souls are effective. As with all problems, when the assumptions are faulty, the solution is way off and there is not effectiveness. Men approach this predicament with the assumption that women are just like them. They have not yet reached the conclusion that our Heavenly Father has designed them very wonderfully unique, and they perceive their world around them very differently than us. Get married and you will become very aware of this magnificent complementary design God has created to exist as one flesh in marriage.
Nevertheless, men assume that a woman’s attraction is essentially visual related. We think in our minds “Clearly I am a man, look at my strength and physical presence, I am a man!……but why does she not think I am the man?” With men, we are essentially visually stimulated, and a woman’s beauty captivates our eyes and makes our blood start to rush in a way that no adventure in this world could compare. It’s a marvelous feeling when we see a young woman who captivates our hearts. Conversely, women will see physically that you are a male, but the essential difference is that a woman’s feelings identifies the “man.” Being the “man” to a woman is a feeling, not a physical identifier. Women become enticed with the feeling of being around her man. That’s the reason it is so elusive to us men. We think to ourselves, “How did that beautiful girl choose him as her man?” It’s simple, he may not look like the warrior, but that beautiful woman senses and feels that this man will protect her at all cost. Men are essentially visual, women are essentially emotive when it comes to what will make her heart rush.
So the next question that comes to our minds, “how do I make her feel like I am the man. Do I show her how strong I am or how much I can lift?” No. It is the strength of your love that conquerors and speaks to a woman’s heart and soul. Yes, a woman will find it nice that you are extremely intelligent, extremely athletic and extremely handsome, but all that falls fatal to her number one need, love.
This word love is another term that is allusive to a man. We think that love is simply sweet words, soft touches or just kindness, but for a woman, love deals with giving you her all and placing her full trust in you.
God made a woman in such a way that they desire to give their all to a man, their temple, their thoughts, and most importantly their hearts. A woman’s heart ebbs and flows with very powerful emotions of love, and it will be the strength of your love that begins to get the attention of her heart. This strength of love is not a quick one time swing for the fences, but a willingness that is shown through perseverance, that “I’m willing to fight for you. You are worth it, and I seek to treasure you and care for you for the rest of my life.” Your thoughts may be that this is too much. Well, you shouldn’t be dating if this is too much.
Another thought may come to mind, “those are some strong words to say to a woman on a first date.” Men, it is very important that we think long term with a lady we are dating or would like to date. Nothing moves fast when it comes to the woman you seek to spend the rest of your life with. Take your time. Husbandry is about learning how to be a great gardener. There are seasons, time for planting, time for watering and time for growing. But only God can do the growing. As we get to know her, continue to ask yourself “would I sacrifice it all for her? And what does that look like for me to do this now?”
I would encourage you, young man, that if you are taking a woman out, that you really really like, and you want to be her man, show her the strength of your love. One key step in this is to authentically express to her that she is valuable. But the most important part of this authentic expression is the delivery. Not the exact words. The genuineness of your delivery is key. One single thing to keep in mind, let your eyes and your body speak what you want to say before your mouth speaks the words. It’s only with this synchronicity that will provide your words with the wings to fly straight into her heart. Let your eyes look into her eyes and speak beauty before you say it and you will notice when she really feels your presence and words that her eyes will show it. The delight in a woman’s eyes never lie. When her pupil dilates and she smiles silently and gazes in your eyes, you can know for sure that you are starting to draw her into you. Understand very clearly, that this is a privilege.
Additionally, another practical step is to design a date that amplifies and showcases your personal strengths. Most of us will design a date centered solely on facilitating good conversation and laughing. We assume that great conversation will be the way to her heart. Good conversation is good, but it’s not the crucial way into her heart. Remember she needs to feel you are the “man.” Woman will always drown us in the amount of words they have and can compile. Further, women love talking and other women serve as a great venue for them to expend and share the amount of words they desire. However, when designing a date, consider highlighting ways you can display your chivalry. Nothing extravagant. Simple displays of chivalry speak the most beautiful songs to a woman’s heart. It’s the butterfly effect. For example, on a simple walk, make sure that you open the door for her, walk on the side of the street where the cars are coming down, if someone strange and suspect is walking your way, put your arm around her and draw her in away from the suspect. There you go, you have initiated and earned the right to hold her. Be that man! Most of us get nervous about touching, and it is a great privilege to initiate touch with a woman that we cherish. Please understand that I am not talking about a seducing touch. But initiating a touch with a woman to share that “You are with me, and I seek to protect you before anything, even from myself,” that is what you want to communicate. And you will notice that a woman will either snuggle into this warm embrace or get nervous because she may not be used to this chivalry. It is important that you don’t freak out. Remain calm and place her feelings above yours and comfort her. Look her into the eyes and share “I only seek to hold you close because I care about you.”
Further, I would like to share with you that the there is no step by step mechanical way to win the heart of the woman that has captivated your heart. However, prepare yourself to have endurance and a willingness to put her first. This idea of putting a woman’s heart first is a foreign phrase to us. One probably thinks, if I could find her heart, I would walk with it physically in front of me. But what I am saying, is that a woman is centrally concerned about feeling secured. Physically secured, but even more emotionally secured. We men think it’s a battle of wit or physical strength, I need to show a woman, but it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with her feeling absolutely the safest in the whole world… by your side. Please understand the specific words “by your side,” not around you or just in your vicinity. The woman that has captivated your heart must feel that she is fully emotionally secured and safe in your arms, under the banner of your love and under the covering of your heart. For example, I was on a date with a very beautiful and wonderful woman who completely captivated my heart. I had set in my heart that I was going to court her correctly: I decided very early that I was going to get to really know her heart. On our second date we were on a walk and she started to really share with me how her Dad left her family and how she has had a hard time trusting men ever since. She begin to share her vulnerability with me and open very emotionally scarring events in her life to me. Men it is so important that we understand vulnerability. Vulnerability is key in gaining intimacy and authenticity in a relationship. Vulnerability tears down all the walls that block our view of each other and we can begin to really see each other. Please don’t ever force vulnerability, but it’s good to share authentically with a woman about things that have hurt your feelings. It’s weird to us, but in the right time its good. Nonetheless, as she continued to share with me her hurt, I comforted her with my words and drew her close with a hug. As the night ended and I begin to walk her home, I shared with her that I had a good time and that I would like to see her again. We begin to make arrangements because I did not live in the same city as her. As I begin to leave, it struck my heart that I shouldn’t just take off with one good bye but my mind began to butt in and say that it would be awkward if I walked back up to her door to say a second goodbye. However, I remembered the gentleness of her eyes as she shared with me the pain of her Dad leaving and her mistrust in men ever sense. Her eyes moved my heart, and I walked back up to the door and I shared with her “I am sorry if I am bothering you, but I can’t just leave you like its normal. I don’t take it lightly that I get to see you, even though we have coordinated to see each other another day, that is not enough. I want you to know, that I treasure every moment with you, you are a woman I absolutely adore.” And I gave her an elongated hug. Gentlemen, this is the woman I have married. Was this uncomfortable? It was! Did this seem like Hollywood where the man after leaving comes rushing back in the rain to say good bye again and again? Well, it is. Sometimes it will take very courageous acts that take you out of your comfort zone and places your vulnerability up front and in the open, before your lady will take a step and believe you. She desires, more than that, she needs to know she is safe with you.
When you start acting upon the truth of how amazing God has designed woman and man, you will see a marvelous and harmonious symphony play out. Dating is no longer defeating and being trapped in the friend zone is no longer a luck of the draw. Dating leads to marriage, and that is where man and woman gets to enjoy this symphony of life till death do them apart. I live in the singular tense because in a very magical way the two become one. Marriage is a symbol of how God has committed and wed himself to humanity. He initiated His love by giving of Himself for His beloved Bride. And He has remained faithful to His bride forever, even though, His bride has not always trusted Him. But God does not weather, His love is never failing and we can find comfort in the strength of His love. Nothing can separate us from His love. We learn how to win a woman’s heart, by the great example of God’s pursuit of humanity. Watch Him work. Be the Man!
– A. McClinton